The Perfect Christmas Party
by bexie25
Summary: Not wanting a repeat of last year's Christmas party catastrophe, Bella decides to take charge of the Cullen Christmas party. She plans everything perfectly, and yet somehow, things still manage to go awry. Stinky-ass werewolves, vampire cooks, and unaware, innocent humans - all under the same roof. Lemon, swearing, and the works. Rated M.


**Hello**

**Ok. So this is the oneshot that I submitted for Breath-of-Twilight's Countdown to Christmas 2012. Below is all the details we had to fill out at the top of our oneshot. I'm just keeping it there because... well, I want to.**

**It's Christmas day here in Australia, so I'd like to say Merry Christmas to everyone - especially the readers that have been with me for other stories or even since the beginning! Thanks for each review, each favourite and alert and for reader chapter after chapter of my stories. This, I suppose, in some tally, is my thank you to you all.**

**I hope you like this wacky little oneshot... it was a blast to write!**

**See you down the bottom!**

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**A/N**

**Disclaimer: Ok, let's get this over with. Twilight's not mine, though I really wish it was. As for the song-that-shall-not-be-named on which this one-shot is based… well that's not mine either unfortunately. There we go, how was that? Not bad, eh?**

**Oh and uh, warning… this is kind of a bit of a crack-fic in nature. Don't take it seriously.**

**Entry for Countdown to Christmas 2012 – a Lyrical Melody**

**Rating: M**

**Pairing: Edward/Bella**

**Author's name: bexie25**

**Title: The Perfect Christmas Party**

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"Ok," I said, looking at the group of vampires in front of me. I loved them all dearly, of course, but if I was having family over here… and stinky-ass werewolves… then the only way for me to not be going crazy was to be in charge.

And no, I did not have a controlling problem. I didn't generally like to control things, but _this_ I needed to control.

The seven fellow vampires in front of me all looked at me expectantly. I looked down at my little checklist – all written out and then typed up and printed fresh – as I got out my pen. I got ready to tick things off as I spoke.

"Ok, guys, I just need an update on each of your individual tasks," I said, looking down at the checklist, my eyes wandering over every dotted point to make sure I'd left nothing out. I looked up at them and smiled. "This Christmas party is going to be awesome, but since we have humans coming – a heck of a lot of 'em, too – we need to make sure we have everything we need. Plus, they need to be taken care of properly. That includes _turkeys_," I said, sending a raised eyebrow at Emmett and Rose.

Both of them looked anywhere but at me. I knew that if they were able to, they would have blushed – or at least Rose would have – because as boisterous and flamboyant as they were in their physical relationship, they didn't want to be the cause of any… mishaps which was exactly what had happened the last time we'd tried this.

You see, because they weren't human and hadn't been for decades, they had forgotten everything to do with cooking. So of course they didn't know that you had to remove the feathers before cooking the turkeys. And of course, no one else was watching them because they were so motherfucking sure they'd be fine.

Hah! _Right_.

Safe to say, those who didn't realise immediately something was wrong received a rude wake-up call when their mouths filled with the fucking fried feathers.

Well ok, maybe they'd burnt and shrivelled up, but still, it was gross.

And that was why this year, Esme was doing the cooking.

I would be in deep shit if I let that happen again. As my Dad had said, even though I don't eat human food because… well, I'm not one anymore… that doesn't mean I can just let it all go to hell.

It was part of the reason why _I _was taking over this year.

Realising that my vampiric family was waiting for me still, I shook my head, clearing my throat as I blinked and looked down at my checklist.

"Ok… Carlisle, are we good on the alcohol control and aid kit?"

"Yes, Bella."

"Esme? You've ordered all the food, right? And you know how to cook it all? The turkeys, the-"

"Yes, Bella."

I nodded firmly, ticking that off on my list. My eyes darted over to Rosalie and Emmett's waiting forms. "Rosalie? Emmett? You good-"

"Yes, Bella."

I cocked an eyebrow. "You're sure?"

"Yes," they sighed resignedly, and I gave a non-committal hum in return before continuing.

"Alice? You're good with the décor? Nothing is out of place? What about your visions? Have there been any troubling ones – anything at all? Are you really sure you can handle everything?"

She chuckled and made a show of huffing, but I saw her elfin grin. "Yes, Bella, everything's fine."

"Jasper, you-"

"Yes, Bella," he chuckled, but I chose to ignore it as I looked up at my beautiful husband. I could tell he was trying not to laugh, and I was thanking him sincerely in my head. Though he didn't sleep, if he had been laughing, he would have been on the couch.

I cleared my throat, and he looked at me expectantly. "Edward, love, any thoughts from anyone in the town – anything I need to know about? Everything's ok?"

"Yes, my love," he said in such a way that I had no choice but to believe him as I checked it off my list.

I nodded, and once I'd written all my notes down and crossed or ticked everything I'd needed to, I looked up and smiled at them. "Alrighty then, I think we're nearly ready. Now all we have to do is get this show on the road."

"What do you want us to do, sweetie?" Esme asked.

"Um," I thought for a second, "well, Esme, I need you to collect the food; the guy called this morning and said that it was all ready to go, ok?" She nodded and walked off, the others remaining.

"Carlisle, I need you to check that we have all the drinks we needed when you go collect them, alright? Calculate the numbers and make sure we've got enough of each type, ok? Especially the beer for my dad and Billy, but remember they're the only ones allowed alcohol. It's not that far from where Esme's going, so maybe to save time you should go with her?" He, too, nodded and walked off, following behind Esme as she walked to Carlisle's Mercedes.

I told everyone else what they needed to do, glad that everyone didn't seem to feel as panicked as I did. I finally got to Edward and sighed. "Baby, I need you to check up on my dad, ok? You don't have to go in but I really need to know if it's gonna be awkward for him to be around my mother; just… I dunno… do what you think is best, ok?"

He smiled and pressed his warm lips – only warm because of the fact that we were both the same temperature – to my cheek. "Alright," he said.

And then he did something totally unexpected. He turned me around, wrapped his arms around my waist, pulled me against him and brushed his lips against my ear. "Love, you need to stop worrying. You're going to give yourself grey hairs." He chuckled, but stopped immediately when I glared at him over my shoulder.

"I just want it to… to be perfect," I breathed as Edward's lips closed around my ear and he sucked. I moaned and leaned into him.

"It will be, baby," he whispered in my ear before kissing that sweet spot behind my ear "You really shouldn't worry so much. Everyone knows exactly what they need to do. Besides, I'd give you anything – the entire world if it was your wish – and I know how much you want this… that's why I'm willing to be on my best behaviour – even with the _mutt_."

I giggled breathily as his hands pressed against my abdomen. "Edward, I know you don't like the fact that our daughter has become quite, uh, _smitten _with Jacob – "

"Fuck no, I don't," Edward growled lowly, and I moaned at the sound of that curse from his lips. It reminded me of all the bad things we'd done in our cottage this morning. "That's my daughter with the man that had once been 'in love' with my _wife_," he hissed, and I smacked his shoulder, turning around.

"I wasn't your wife back then, my possessive man," I purred. I smiled and licked my lips. Edward growled when I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to be seductive. It must've worked, too, because his hands slid down to my ass and he squeezed my cheeks. I moaned. "And besides, it doesn't matter how he felt about me, Edward. I chose you; I _choose _you. I'm yours just as much as you are mine, my handsome husband."

Edward purred, and the vibrations resonated throughout his body and directly into mine. "Mine."

I hummed and nodded. "Yours, baby."

"You need to wind down, baby," Edward whispered, kissing a line of wet, sucking kisses down my neck. I closed my eyes, a purr building in my chest and I heard the sound of creaking wood. I realised that I was gripping the door, and quickly let go of it. "And I know exactly how to help you."

I caught on immediately. Turning around in his arms and wrapping them around his neck, I peered up at him and asked coyly, "And how's that?"

He smirked and kissed me soundly on the lips. His eyes were piercing black, and I knew mine were the same, but I wanted to hear him say it anyway. "Well, for starters, it involves fewer clothes..." his hands brushed up under my shirt and he caressed my spine as he spoke.

I shuddered. "Upstairs, Now!" I gasped, gripping the hair at the back of his neck. "And you're right, I am too tense. Maybe you can help me with that…"

"It would be my genuine pleasure," Edward mumbled against my lips. He grabbed my legs and pulled them up, wrapping them around his waist, and before either of us could blink, we were in his old room. He put me down quickly and for a moment, we looked at the things in the room, at the bed that seemed to be the centre-point of the room, as memories from my human lifetime came to me.

But it seemed that Edward was a little too impatient, because within a split second, he was standing in front of me, monopolising my attention once again. He wasted no time in undressing me, and I groaned against his lips when he ripped off my panties. His hands cupped my ass, and he tugged me toward him; I giggled when he squeezed. My hands flashed up to the top button of his shirt, and I began to undo them, kissing a trail down his chest as each inch of skin was revealed.

"I love you," I whispered.

Edward smiled at me. "I love you," he said huskily, before he lifted me up and threw me onto the bed.

He shredded his jeans and boxer briefs before climbing on the bed after me. The look in his midnight eyes was pure need, lust, and love. He crawled between my legs, and I wrapped them around his hips, pressing my lips to his. I moaned and rubbed my core against his length.

"Please," I whimpered, biting his lip. I looked into his eyes with the same look of need that he was giving me. "Inside me. Now."

He growled and flipped us over so I was now straddling him. I smiled down at him, encircled his cock with my fingers as he held my hips, guiding me down onto him.

We moaned as I slowly sunk down on him. When he was buried to the hilt, I pressed down on his chest and lifted myself up slowly, only to slam myself back down, making Edward growl. His hands left my hips and they danced teasingly along my skin, resting on my upper back. He seemed to time his movements perfectly as he began to raise his hips to meet my thrusts, the tempo building. He pulled me down on top of him so I was sprawled across his chest, and I groaned as the angle change made the sensations even better.

"God, yes," I growled. "I fucking love your cock in me, baby."

He purred, "hmm, and I love the way you squeeze me. What to do want, love?"

"More. Harder," I breathed against his lips, pressing mine against them. He moaned into the kiss, forcing my lips apart with his tongue, and my hands moved from his chest to his hair, which I held tightly, tugging. He raised his hips off the bed, bending his legs at the knees, and I slipped onto him harder. His hands flashed down to my ass, and he growled, slamming my hips down as he drove up into me.

The fingers of his left hand moved to my clit and he pressed down. Instantly, I clamped down on him hard, and my mouth fell open in a silent scream as I came, my body shaking and my legs feeling like jelly. Edward gave a few more thrusts, grunting my name as he buried himself to the hilt again, coming hard.

I fell against his chest, and we both panted as we tried to catch our breath. His lips were pressed against my hair, his nose buried, and we laid there in silence for a few moments.

But of course, in a house filled with vampires, we were always interrupted.

"If you two are quite finished, we've got some things that need doing – and I don't mean each other!" Emmett shouted, and just like that, our little bubble was broken. With a growl from Edward and a hiss from me, we broke apart.

~O~

Hours later, everything was ready and the guests were starting to arrive. Because it was somewhat more of a party than a dinner, the food was going to be given out on small little plates. Essentially, it was finger food, and I was glad the turkey was already nearly cooked, though I wasn't sure how much of it would be used.

Edward was by my side the whole time, making sure I didn't go on one of my control-freak tangents. To be honest, I really didn't want to get into one. I just wanted to have a nice time tonight and let all my worries slide.

Of course, not everyone seemed to be going along with that plan.

"Hey, Bella!" Paul and Quil called in unison, sitting on either side of me. They threw an arm around the back of my neck, and just the stench of them made me want to be sick.

"Don't you motherfucking touch me! Get back you flea infested mongers!" I growled, skidding across the couch to sit on the other side. I glared at them both as they seemed to find the whole thing terribly funny.

"What, Bella?" Paul asked. His mouth was stuffed with food as he spoke, and I pulled a face as some of it dripped onto the couch, gagging at the smell. Food was bad enough when it filled your nostrils, but when it was combined with wet-dog werewolf smell?

Quill laughed at the expression on my face, and the sarcasm was practically dripping when he asked, "Too smelly for you or something?"

I huffed. There was a reason I didn't want to invite these fuckers and they all bloody well knew it! Once again, as I got off the couch, I wondered idly why God had turned against me and made Jacob imprint on my daughter. I was sure that was the ingrained problem.

I made my way to the kitchen, where a nervous Emmett was standing outside the door. I raised an eyebrow and wordlessly tried to step around him to open the kitchen door but he flashed in front of me. I vaguely wondered if I should even try to just push him the fuck away, but then decided against it – for obvious reasons.

I huffed. "Emmett, let me through please."

He shook his head, still not saying anything, and my eyes narrowed. "Emmett…"

"Nope," he said. "Cook's orders: you're not allowed in."

"Wha" – I started, but my attention was quickly pulled away when I heard a small, innocent little 'gobble-gobble' from down below. I tried to breathe in and out deeply through my nose before I looked down, but it didn't quite work. There, at my feet, was a turkey; an un-dead – in fact, very much _alive_ – turkey. "Emmett," I started, looking up at my brother. "Please tell me that I am imagining this sight. Please tell me there isn't a fucking turkey at my feet."

"Well, on the scale of one to ten-"

"Emmett!" I shouted, thankful that the music was loud enough that you couldn't hear me. I stepped forward, narrowly avoiding the fucking turkey at my feet, and glared up at him, shoving my finger in his face. "What is going on in that kitchen?"

"Um," he said, looking a little scared. "Well, there was a slight situation… but we're taking care of it. You really don't need to worry."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Situation? What type of situation?"

"Nothing that can't be fixed," he hedged.

I raised an eyebrow. "Let me through, please."

"Are you sure-"

"Emmett, I said let me through," I spoke as calmly as I could, but we both knew something was brewing behind it.

He sighed. "I really can't."

"Well, why don't you tell me why then, huh?" I said, on the verge of losing it.

He opened his mouth to speak just when the sound of clattering pans rung out. This time he simply stepped aside and motioned for me to proceed.

"Thank you," I said, throwing the doors open.

I really wasn't prepared for the sight before me. Whatever I thought I'd been prepared for, it wasn't this. Esme was running around the room with a fucking pan in her hands as she wacked at the turkey that was fluttering its wings, making noises and running away from her. As soon as it saw the open door, it B-lined for it, and before I could stop it, it was out and into the lounge room.

I looked at Esme, who stopped immediately and held the pan behind her back. She tucked the errant few strands of hair behind her ear and smiled pleasantly at me.

I turned around and walked out of the room.

"Is our family really that fucking bad with fucking turkeys?" I asked myself, smacking myself in the forehead with the palm of my hand. "I mean, fuck… one year it's forgetting to pluck the fucking things before cooking them so we then ate all of the bird, including the feathers! The year after that, they forget to close the motherfucking latch, letting them loose in the house before fucking killing them. Ugh!"

"This is _not _going to plan!" I shrieked, wanting to pull my hair out. "I'm-I'm losing it. Oh, shit… oh fuck, I'm losing it. I'm losing it. I need to calm down. Ok, deep breaths, Bella. Deep fucking breaths," I said to myself, my voice squeaking a little as I nearly cracked under the pressure. Before I could stop myself, I'd spun around. I was now facing Jacob Black, and I swore I could see him shiver from the glare I was sending his reeking ass way.

But then, it got worse as my eyes – for the first time tonight – zeroed in on what the buffoon-dog was dressed in.

"What are you wearing, you jackass?" I screeched because when I looked him over, he was not standing there in the usual dark blue jeans or, I dunno, some fucking full-length slacks and a shirt, maybe… oh, no. He's standing there in a pair of motherfucking white dress-pant cut-offs which he'd obviously converted into shorts.

His brow crinkled in confusion as he looked down at his pants, inspecting them before looking up at me. "What? It's a special occasion, right?" I nodded wordlessly, and he smiled as if he was the smartest idiot to walk the earth, which, in his opinion, I supposed he was. "So… I thought that instead of wearing blue jeans, I'd just cut off the ends of my white pair of dress-pants and wear them instead."

He beamed at me triumphantly as I just stared at him. No seriously, that's all I fucking did. I just stared. Then I shook my head, spun around on my heel, and walked out of the room.

"Men," I growled.

That was when the song that was playing caught my attention and I paused in the hallway.

_Who let the dogs out  
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}  
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}  
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}  
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}_

_Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}_  
_Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}_

_{Woof, woof, woof, woof}_

_When the party was nice, the party was bumpin' {Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo}_  
_And everybody havin' a ball {Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo}_  
_Untill the fellas ": start the name callin': " {Yippie Yi Yo}_  
_And the girls respond to the call_  
_I heard a poor man shout out_

_Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}_  
_Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}_  
_Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}_  
_Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}_

As I stood there in abstract horror, wondering why this night was going to the gutter when I'd planned it so perfectly, Emmett, who must have just turned down the hall, came to me. He stopped in front of me and smiled as if he were going to share a secret inside joke.

He did not disappoint.

"Well, I guess this song isn't really all that appropriate, is it?" Emmett said, rubbing his chin in what I could only hope was fake contemplation. However, knowing Emmett, you could never be absolutely sure.

I looked up at him, eyebrow rising as my hands rested on my hips. "What?" I asked in a flat tone. I really wasn't up for his bullshit right now.

He smirked, "Well, though the dogs have certainly been let out – since they're here and everything – it's the turkeys that's the problem. The song really should be '_who let the turkeys out_'… don't you think?"

I glared at him. Emmett, undeterred, guffawed so loudly the house kind of shook, and I huffed, turning around and walking off as I resumed ignoring him. My eyes fell on the fucking Quileute mutts, and in spite of myself, the corners of my lips twitched as I watched them chase the turkeys around.

_Yes, who let the turkeys or dogs out, indeed_, I thought to myself.

One thing was for sure.

I was never fucking doing this again.

Christmas, mutts, and turkeys be damned.

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**Hmm... perhaps that's a good idea! LOL.**

**As I said above, thanks to all my faithful readers!**

**Merry Christmas and have a happy new year! (Hopefully, I'll have a oneshot for that one, too, but I don't know!)**

**Please review**

**bexie25**


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